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No wait, I put my arms and legs together and wondered how would this look. Panicked at how I should lay there, I suddenly remembered why I had slept in the guest room. My whole bedroom was awash in the smell of last night’s insanity. Sex and sweat and sex and more sex invaded my nostrils. I hear the steps up the stairs and my heart was pounding in my chest. “Are you waiting?” I hear him ask. “Yes,” I answered. My voice came out croaking so I cleared my throat and answered more clearly this time, “Yes!” “Good. I want you to wait right there.” I heard him go into the bathroom and run water in the sink. He was in there for a few minutes and I asked, “what are you doing?” “Nothing you need to concern your pretty little head about,” he answered. I heard the water shut off and his steps approaching the door, and then I heard him say. “Now I want you to close your eyes and not peek.” It was so hard for me to do, but I complied. I felt his presence in the room. “Lovely! . .........What a fucked up life this is I thought.I had taken my laptop to the states and on it I had photographs of Amanda and I in happier times, some nights my heart would feel heavy at the loss, but I never let it show in my few emails to Amanda, I had been in the states about 5 months when I received a email from Susan saying how worried she was about Amanda it seemed she had lost a lot of weight and was in trouble keeping on top of her job so much so that she had been forced to take some leave to sort herself out. Susan begged me to be kinder to Amanda and ended her email by adding that she really believed that Amanda thought what she was doing was for both our benefits and begged me to call Amanda for a chat if I still cared about her to help her through her depression.That evening I sat down and composed a long email in which I explained all my feelings, the betrayal, the sickness in my stomach and how I hated her and myself for letting it happen, I reminded her how I had.
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